That being said, I am not doing my manicure because I sit here thinking things I probably shouldn't be worrying about. In my 33 years (plus 3 yrs experience) of this lifetime I have found what I thought was love, I have perhaps even been loved. But it never lasts. I've seen friends go through bad marriages and eventually break up. I've survived my father and his numerous marriages (he's been on #4 for a long time now, so maybe its sticking). And I have had some nightmare relationships myself.
I recently asked a male friend for advice about what I could do to become more appealing to the opposite sex. Like what is it about me that makes me not worthy, you know? What can I say, I'm always curious about how others think of me, whether I let it bother me or not. I told him to be completely honest, that I was asking so I was ready for whatever he could tell me. Turns out it wasn't quite as horrible of an answer as I thought. I am my own worst critic *big grin*
Basically three things-
1- The way I let my son treat me. The way he talks to me, the disrespect.
2- The way I "present" myself to the world isn't "girly". It's alright to be one of the guys now and then, but not if you want anything more than friendship.
3- The fact that guys like to do the protecting, rather than be protected. *this one made me laugh out loud literally*
Now before any readers go off on a tangent about these answers I will tell you, he has me pegged, to a T. I can explain and hypothesize about each of these answers to try and explain why I agree with him... if you really want me to. Even if you don't want me to I'm gonna... Okay, here I go...
1- Part of this is due to the fact that I swore I would never be like my father. It was his way or the highway. Don't get me wrong, he had his good moments as a father, and he was funny, but there was no love, no displays of affection and certainly no giving that emotion words that the other person could know were true.
Another part of this is because I hate being mean to the very person who depends on me. The boy is hyper sensitive to my moods, probably because we are so close. And he knows just how to push my buttons. Living in Iowa, you can't really look at your kid wrong let alone give him a smack with your hand, the belt or anything else without DHS being called on you for abuse. Time outs never worked, and grounding only works occasionally. I am not an abusive person, I've been abused and I would never consider inflicting that kind of emotional, mental and physical pain on anyone, let alone my own flesh and blood. So the thought of spanking my child, it bothers me greatly. I know a spanking isn't considered abuse when its just a swat or two at the most. But I just can't bring myself to do that. So you implement a plan of action that involves taking away that which the child loves the most... internet, computer and video games.
Let me tell ya, it's hell living with that decision. Children know just how to keep pushing the buttons when you have done your decent parental duty and grounded them. And threats/ actions to further that grounding don't work either.
The main problem I've had in raising my son is that he's only had me as a role model. Mom's are great for some things, but not everything. I don't want a man to fix everything in my life. I've become independent to almost a horrible degree. *it certainly makes me incredibly NOT girly but more on that in numbers 2 and 3* Honestly though, I am grateful for my bestie's hubby... he's being a role model for the boy and helping me teach him what respect for your elders is. It's not his job to do that. However, I can't ask it of my son's father, he has a lot to learn in that department himself from what I remember. *If he's reading this, don't worry dude, I also still have some learning to do so don't pitch a fit*
2- I haven't presented myself as "girly" to the world for a couple of reasons.
A- I gained a lot of weight and had trouble finding clothes that fit, let alone looked good on me and were pretty too. So I decided to wear what was comfortable- mainly yoga pants, jamma pants, t shirts, cami tops and hoodies. I remember the days when I could pull on a pair of jeans and actually look decent in them and have them fit well. I remember the cute shirts I used to have that made me feel sexi just putting them on. I remember wearing colors instead of mostly black and grey, I remember doing my hair and makeup because it was fun... And yes, I remember wearing skirts now and again with my sexi boots. I really felt like a woman back then and wasn't afraid to show it.
B- I have let myself go, besides the weight issue for another reason. Being a survivor of abuse not once, not twice, but three times does a number on your self esteem. For a long time I didn't want any guys looking at me and thinking anything that might hurt me. Love was out of the question for me because how could I trust again, the bleeding heart in my chest that steered me so horribly wrong THREE times? I've been physically abused, still have the dents in my skull to prove it (why do men aim for the head you ask? Because its a quick way of disabling a woman strong enough to retaliate on their asses, which will be discussed more in # 3)
But readers, I must tell you, as horrible as physical and/or sexual abuse is... mental/emotional abuse is much, much worse. You don't even realize it's happening until its too late. You're beaten down insidiously until you don't even know who you are anymore. When I was physically/ sexually abused I knew right away that it wasn't right and got out. But I hadn't realized I was also being manipulated mentally and emotionally until I got distance from those abusers. But I stayed for a year and a half with the one who ONLY manipulated my mind and heart. It took me years to recover... in fact I realized I was so desperate to be loved that I let myself get into those situations. I'm not totally to blame, but I'm not blameless either. I have learned to live with that. I've tried shutting off that part of me, the part that wants and needs love. And yet, I would not be human if I never loved again. I would not be me. Because the truth is, no matter how many times I fall in love only to be hurt, I can't stop myself from hoping next time it won't be in vain.
I don't want a do-over on this life. I've learned a lot of valuable lessons and have a strong self- awareness. I know I've said it before but it bears repeating. I believe in soulmates. And I also believe that mine has departed this earth for this lifetime. That doesn't mean I can't find love again, it just means its not with the one who was truly meant for me. Which leads me into...
3- Because of what I've survived in this life I have become a strong woman. I am capable of defending myself both physically and verbally because there have been plenty of times I needed to. Does that mean I don't want help? No. I don't ask for help because rarely was it given in the past, therefore I learned to stop asking. Yes folks, I have major trust issues, and the next man that wants to form a relationship with me should know that I will give him the benefit of the doubt but that he still must prove he can be trusted. There aren't many who are willing to do that.
I'm not here to play games. I've had enough of that crap to last me several lifetimes. You wonder why I don't just jump at the chance to be with you sexually? You wonder why I have issues with being fuck buddies? You wonder why I say that sex for the sake of sex is a waste of time? If you've read this far you have a better understanding of why I am the way I am. Yes I can defend myself, yes I can stand up for you too... not all bad ass bitches are against having a man defend them. I know I'm not. But we are bad ass bitches because we've had no other choice. It was either take care of it myself or die... and I'm not a quitter like that.
If you only plan on using me, abusing me, lying to me and/ or cheating on me, then don't bother trying to get in my pants or anywhere else. I don't want or need that. And it sets a horrible example to my son on how women should be treated.
But if you want a woman who is going to stand beside you all the way (not follow or lead), help you and also depend on you, love you with everything she is and prove it to you everyday and expect to be appreciated and loved in return... then hey, that's me. I'm not out to smother you or change you. A few faults (as long as they aren't the ones listed in the paragraph above) are part of life because gods knows I have mine. That's a real relationship, that's real love. And that, my friends is what I want.
~ Darth Chibi ~