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miyushira
17 May 2012 @ 10:14 pm
The tide is high but I'm holding on...  

Forgive me father for I have sinned... it has been nearly two months since my last confession... uhm... blog post.

But I have a very good reason!  Several in fact.  But the most important one is that the boy and I are moving in June.  We are not going to Tama like I told Lisa... I wasn't going to tell her at all until after we moved... but now, I don't care if she finds out.  She has her bookcase, her gazelle and her various fucked up male "friends" to keep her busy.  She and I drifted apart years ago, I just chose to keep her close... you know what they say about enemies >.>  She was the one who made the mistake of believing I could trust her after everything she has done to hurt me because of her jealousy or envy... whatever reason she has for doing what she does.

We have decided instead of waiting for Stacie to be able to switch departments and relocate in October back up here... to Iowa, that the boy and I are moving to Texas.  We were going to wait until July when Stacie could ride the greyhound up here and rent a u haul... but due to the unfortunate situation with bedbugs eating me and the boy alive I have decided we are just taking what we can in two large rolling duffles and two carry on backpacks.  And I'm really impatient to finally have everything I ever wanted and needed in my life.

Believe me, if I didn't have to I wouldn't get rid of all my stuff.  I just don't want those blood sucking monsters to follow us down there.  I nearly went insane the first time I dealt with them.  The only thing keeping me sane-ish this time is being medicated *HOORAY ZOLOFT!* and knowing I will be out of here in just 16 days.  And I will be cutting ties with a few certain individuals... permanent- like.

If I don't trust you, you're not going to be part of my life.  If you can't accept that Stacie and I are in love FOR REAL and will be getting MARRIED when we can afford it, you're out of my life.  If you won't stop trying to tell me I made a choice to be bi-sexual leaning more toward lesbian instead of being born this way and trying to charm your way into my pants... yup you guessed it- you're out too.

Thank you to my aunts, Nancy and Deb for loving me in spite of my faults and for accepting who I am and the choice I have made to move.  If not for the family I have here that still speaks to me, I would have left this town long ago never to look back.  Don't be sad... I am moving on to a bigger brighter future where I can finally, truly be happy!  And I will keep in touch with both of you.

For the first 35 years of my life I have done what I could to make others happy, unless it went against my morals and values.  Starting with my 36th year (May 29th ppl) I am going to create happiness for me, the woman I love and our two children.  Until Stacie... I have never been good enough, smart enough, dumb enough in a couple of cases, pretty enough, skinny enough etc... she loves me unconditionally and has proved that she's in this for the long haul by standing by me through everything I've dealt with in the last seven years... even when I pushed her out of my life.

I know it hasn't been easy for her... my illness, my wanting to be good enough for some man in a twisted need for my father's approval through a relationship... the making of the Yuri video... baby you can't tell me I didn't frustrate the hell out of you with the director from hell routine... even with as much fun as we had!  Gods that was a blast... and all the late night writing sessions... or in some cases 39 hours of raring to go go go cuz Miyu has a raging case of insomnia... probably brought on by the high octane espresso lattes... ^.^

We've had a few bad moments, but the good things far outweigh the bad.  I'm looking forward to the next 50 or so years of mostly good moments with you and our kids.

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miyushira
27 March 2012 @ 01:45 am
I just want... to say.... I lub you... (to the wend)  
*giggles*

What can I say, I'm in a good mood today.  Sistah sent me a package all the way from Texas that wasn't supposed to arrive till Wednesday.  Got it today (Monday) wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

The boy was very pleased with his two new books- Diary of a Wimpy Kid Cabin Fever, and the Diary of a Wimpy Kid do it yourself book.  He also ate the gummy jolly ranchers and some of the egg shaped gum.  I told him he's saving the rest for tomorrow.

Sistah knows me so well...  she sent me my very own Darth Bunny and candy light saber!!!  And also this cool nail art stencil thingy that I'm dying to try out, but gonna wait till morning or maybe evening.  And of course- hide pink peeps and three boxes of milk duds... mmmmmm caramel and chocolate!  Oh!  And my favorite bassist in chocolate form mmmhmmm RAWR!

I'm gonna be nice and share the jelly beans on my Darth Bunny and the bag of starburst candies with the boy.  It's gonna be our last big blowout before we drastically change our eating habits.  More fruits and veggies, less fat, sugar and protein.  Just wanted to update a quick blog, to let you all know I'm not doom and gloom all day every day XD

Darth Bunny... FEAR MEH!
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miyushira
23 March 2012 @ 10:52 pm
Miyu's a nutter...  
Well the boy is on the mend, rather mended I would say.  The penicillin worked like a dream.  He does however have high triglycerides and the bad cholesterol, so changes must be made. Dietary and exercise... for both of us.

I had my blood work done as well this last week. Lucky me- still chronically anemic and TSH levels are in the "normal" range.  Phooey.  On a good note- my potassium level is back in the normal range so they don't need to up the dose on that.  I did however get a doubled dose of the Zoloft because it just hasn't been working as well as it should.  The dark recesses of my mind can attest to that.  So I'm on 100 mg a day now of that and add to the Zoloft, HCTZ and potassium- iron supplements every day.

Recently I've been having to use my inhaler a lot... like several times a day which is not normal for me.  It's not allergies because I don't have the other symptoms I normally get with those.  I have an annoying cough, which is how my asthma usually flares up... but now its become worse and the inhaler isn't working. 

I know ppl think I worry too much or that perhaps I'm a hypochondriac... but I wouldn't have to research so much on the internet if doctors would do their jobs.  And there is a "too big to ignore" link between thyroid disease and congestive heart failure.  I'm not imagining things, there is documented proof from such prestigious places as the Mayo Clinic. 

Yes I am worried.  I have every reason to be concerned about  this newest health problem. Those in pink are the ones I experience on a daily basis... excerpt from the Mayo Clinic website- http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/heart-failure/DS00061/DSECTION=symptoms

Chronic heart failure signs and symptoms

  • Shortness of breath (dyspnea) when you exert yourself or when you lie down
  • Fatigue and weakness
  • Swelling (edema) in your legs, ankles and feet
  • Rapid or irregular heartbeat
  • Reduced ability to exercise
  • Persistent cough or wheezing with white or pink blood-tinged phlegm
  • Swelling of your abdomen (ascites)
  • Sudden weight gain from fluid retention
  • Lack of appetite and nausea
  • Difficulty concentrating or decreased alertness
        Damage to the heart muscle (cardiomyopathy). Some of the many causes of heart muscle damage, also called cardiomyopathy, include infections, alcohol abuse, and the toxic effect of drugs such as cocaine or some drugs used for chemotherapy. In addition, whole-body diseases, such as lupus, or thyroid problems can damage heart muscle.

Abnormal heart rhythms (heart arrhythmias). Abnormal heart rhythms may cause your heart to beat too fast. This creates extra work for your heart. Over time, your heart may weaken, leading to heart failure. A slow heartbeat may prevent your heart from getting enough blood out to the body and may also lead to heart failure.

Other diseases. Chronic diseases such as diabetes, severe anemia, hyperthyroidism, hypothyroidism, emphysema and lupus and a buildup of iron (hemochromatosis), protein (amyloidosis) or inflammatory cells (sarcoidosis) also may contribute to heart failure. Causes of acute heart failure include viruses that attack the heart muscle, severe infections, allergic reactions, blood clots in the lungs, the use of certain medications or any illness that affects the whole body.


I'm not saying that doctors are incompetent, but honestly, they don't have the time to devote to just one patient's health problems.  The fact that my TSH levels continue to remain in the normal range is rather frustrating.  But sometimes with a goiter that happens for years on end apparently, before it gets worse.  I realize now that there are many things I've done that contribute to my health problems... but I did not cause my goiter, genetics did.

I do however, have a hand in other factors that could have prevented or at least slowed the onset of what is going on with me now.  I am still smoking though I cut down from a pack and a half a day to less than a pack.  Which won't be going on for much longer because I have run out of money and there is still over a week of the month left... no money = no more smokes.

I know I need to change my eating habits, we have already started doing that. More fruits and veggies, less ramen and processed foods.  And the exercise thing- I never really have the energy for it but I take a walk almost every day... more like a waddle along than actual walking, but at least I'm moving.  Gasping, stopping often to lean against the wall to get rid of the concrete block in my chest and rest my lower back... but at least I'm getting some exercise right?

However, today we had to take two walks- one to have the boy's blood draw done and one later in the afternoon so he could ride his scooter.  After both walks we came home and the boy got on the computer to play his games.  I turned on the tv and fell asleep... after both walks.  Every day I take a nap, like a 2-3 hour nap and am still tired.  I did have that one unfortunate incident with staying up for 51 hours except for the 2-3 hour nap I took one day... that was without caffeine.  I just couldn't get comfortable in bed and wasn't all that tired to begin with. However that kind of insomnia is not the norm anymore... being able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat is.  And the boy remarked on it today after I woke up from the first nap and we took a second walk.  When the child begins to notice I'm not acting like I normally do... shouldn't that mean something?

Yeah, maybe I am reading too much into it.  Maybe I am a worry wart.  But if I don't concern myself with my failing health, who will?
I get the shit end of the deal having state funded insurance.  It's like pulling teeth to get them to pay for some things like labs and tests... and being on that insurance doesn't help my credibility with the doctors...  they think- poor person = poor intelligence.  How wrong they are.

Time for me to go lie down again.  Yawning so hard my eyes are watering.  Oyasumi minna-san!
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miyushira
07 March 2012 @ 01:38 am
Just another day... in paradise... (Ah Phil Collins...)  
I really have no idea why that title popped into my head, since I rarely listen to the radio and I don't have that song on my iTunes.  Must be acid flashbacks to the 80's... even though I've never dropped acid. 

>_>

<_<

A N Y W A Y.......

It's been a rough week.  The boy has been sick with strep since Friday.  Took him to the doctor yesterday (Monday) and we discussed the possibility that he also has IBS (irritable bowel syndrome)  He has no tolerance for anything with nitrates (lunch meat, hot dogs etc) and very little tolerance for milk fat... just like mom.  Only my reason for not doing well with nitrates is the salt content- stupid swelling of the lower extremities and worry about if my blood pressure would sky rocket again.

I've been having some trouble with the (bigger than prenatal vitamins) potassium pills that I have to take.  I dissolve them in my mouth with a gulp of water and then have to guzzle half a 32 oz bottle of water to get the grit and taste out of my mouth.  I also have to eat something when I take them, and take an acid reducer.  (Thank you Aunt Nancy for that suggestion!)  So far I am tolerating it much better- stomach wise.

Gebus, I've had about a hundred typos just in this short blog so far and its driving me nuts.  I really got out of practice with not having a working computer for so long.

Anyway- back to the possible food allergy/ IBS-

Until the 22 of March I have to keep a food diary of the boy's foods... and... absolutely NO DAIRY until further notice.  That is going to make school even more of a pain when he returns on Monday.  They should allow him to have a water bottle though, that way he won't get dehydrated.

Funny thing the boy said to me today-  Hey Mom, you don't yell as much as you used to.  Thank you Zoloft for that.  I do feel less angry or easily irritated than I was before I started taking them a month and a half ago.  Now if I could just sleep better and have energy for a super cleaning spree... I've had a rough time just keeping the garbage taken out and dishes done.  Anything more than that is asking too much.  My floors only get vacuumed twice a month... and I'm dreading cleaning the bathroom.  I have always hated cleaning the bathroom, but I have a total mental block to it now.  I don't have gloves or paper towels yet... and I can't (because of my sensitivity to it) use bleach to clean.

And its been really hot in the apartment.  I can't sleep when its hot.  Today it got up to 67 degrees, whoa heat wave.  Just to keep from going stir crazy the boy and I had to get out and revel in the fresh air, even though the sunlight seared my corneas...  Upon returning home, the windows were opened and a fan blowing cooler air into the boy's room.  I need to get a fan in my window so maybe I can sleep- if the back and knee ache will let me from all the walking today.  UGH.  I laid on my bed earlier while the boy played some of his online games and almost couldn't get up.  Stupid past injury is rearing its ugly head again.  Left side of the lower back, sciatic pain down the leg and knee throbbing... fun fun!

We've gone through two bags of Ricola knock off ghetto cough drops.  I bought a big bag of the real Ricola ones today.  Those are the only ones I can stand, and now the boy has an affinity for them as well.  Okay the cherry flavored Luden's are yummy... but I go through them way too fast.

Anyway, that's the update for the moment.  Oh... Stalker Kitteh is happy with his catnip flavored treats.  He plays with them before he eats them.  And I got him some colorful balls with bells in them.  He's misplaced two already LOL
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miyushira
25 February 2012 @ 01:22 pm
An Update after not having a working computer for an eternity it seems...  
I've begun to watch a lot of tv, simply because I was unable to access my computer since like the day after I wrote my last blog... or something like that.  I watch a lot of Animal Planet and TLC... but I like Ghost Whisperer on WE too.  Last night I stayed awake just to watch a movie called 23 with Jim Carrey... great movie, I recommend it to everyone who hasn't seen it.

My appointment last month was rather scary.  They took my blood pressure five times and it was in the first stage of hypertension- 150/90.  So I was prescribed HCTZ to get rid of the fluid in my legs and feet, sertraline (aka Zoloft) as an anti- depressant... and signed up with Quitline Iowa to get help with quitting smoking.  Still, the Quitline ppl have not contacted me.

Tuesday I had a CBC and a follow up appointment.  The good news is my blood pressure is down to 108/78... the best its been in a long time.  So I continue taking the HCTZ, because as the weather gets warmer, the swelling will return if I don't take it.  But, it also leeches potassium out of your blood so I now have to take a daily potassium pill that size wise puts prenatal vitamins to shame.  The only way I can get it down is to let it dissolve in a mouthful of water then swallow... nasty tasting stuff.

The other thing that is troubling is the fact that I am a lot more tired than normal... every day of the week that Ryan is in school, I end up taking a nap for a couple of hours.  I think the winter sleepiness finally hit me, instead of being on the go go go all the time like I am in spring and summer.  But that can't last for much longer... spring is coming wheee!

I'm not completely out of the slump yet, but I've only been taking the anti- depressant for a month.  If I'm not seeing a marked improvement by the time I go in next month for my blood checkup then I'm to call the dr and make an appt to talk about raising the dose.

I dropped 9 pounds from one appt to the next, but is all of that just fluid I was carrying around?  Don't know.  Either way, I'm happy that it wasn't the same as the first appointment.  One thing I don't like about the anti-depressant is that my appetite has returned full force... I'm hungry constantly now... grr.  Now I know why Ryan is so insistent on being hungry all the time... stupid pill.  But apparently I need it to function on a daily basis, so I will continue taking it.

Hopefully my computer will keep working... I hate not having access to it.  But just in case I should probably transfer all my music and documents and pix to the external hard drive.  I have to go thru my music anyway because there's a lot I don't listen to that I have on here.
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miyushira
24 January 2012 @ 12:09 am
It's officially Miyu freak out time  
Always hiding what I really think and feel inside.  Tonight the weight of the dire-ness of my situation drags me to depths I swore I would never hit again.

I HATE THIS DISEASE.  HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT WITH A PASSION LIKE I'VE NEVER HATED ANYTHING BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

I can barely even take care of myself anymore.  What right do I have to take care of my son, who deserves so much more than I can give him?  He shouldn't have to be my reason for fighting, for struggling through this hell on earth.  He shouldn't have to be my reason for living.  And yet finding out I was pregnant with him was what kept me from killing myself over 12 years ago.  My little angel, my saving grace... and yet he shouldn't have to be, he's only a child.

I've been alright since then... though there were a few rough patches.  I've handled the disease and made sure ppl didn't worry about me.  I've hidden a lot so deep inside that they would never know what to say or ask to find out the truth.  And that was my mistake.  Everyone thinks I'm okay, sure I'm a little moody, a little crazy... and those OCD habits are hilarious.  I smile, I laugh, I go through the motions because in the past when I've showed weakness it has been used against me... and often by ppl who claim to care for me or love me.  Can you say Miyu has mega trust issues?  yes ma'am.

I've had my daughters stolen from me.  I was disowned by a father I'm not sure ever really gave a rat's ass about me but I idolized him.  My brother, who was a drug addict and alcoholic, (and possibly some insanity thrown in) bought a gun to kill himself and shot his friend 14 times instead and is in prison for the rest of his life.  I was raped and instead of having an abortion I gave birth to the child and gave him up for adoption... those are just the big nasty things, there are so many little things thrown in I don't dare try to list them all.  I have some family and friends I can confide in, but not things of this magnitude.  I'm sure they all would say its no problem, come to me to talk.  But there is a problem...  ME. I don't ask for help, I've been trained by past experiences not to need anyone or to count on anyone.  I don't have the luxury of opening up to ppl and being able to trust I'm not going to come out worse after I do.  It's not them, it's me.  And I have a feeling this blog post is gonna bite me in the ass hardcore.

I'm a fucked up mess and though I try to display otherwise... I'm tired of hiding it.  I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of being sick.  I'm sick of being depressed.  I'm so fucking sick of it all.  None of us are promised a good life when we take our first breath, but seriously, what did I do to deserve the life I've lived?  I've made some really bad choices in life, that's what.  And most of the time it was my heart leading the way... egging me on... making me want to not give up hope, keep trusting.  This capacity for hope and love is a blessing that feels like a curse.

Everyone thinks I'm so strong.  The truth is, I'm not.  I act like I am, but that's so ppl don't worry.  I hate being a burden to anyone.  In my mind it makes me a burden.  I'm going to be 36 freaking years old.  You would think by now I would have my act together- a degree, a good job, a decent home, all the things I dreamed of growing up.  Instead I live in a rat hole apartment falling apart quietly at the seams while trying to raise a physically limited/ emotionally and mentally altered child.  I don't want to label him as disabled, it puts too many limitations on him.  And yet, for all intents and purposes he is.  And some ppl refuse to see that he is.  Maybe part of its my fault... for genetics, for all the emotional stress while pregnant... I don't know.

I do know that I owe that little boy everything.  Okay so he's not so little anymore at almost 12 years old, but he will always be my little boy.  And I'm doing him a great disservice by being the wreck that I am.  I have an appt tomorrow to talk about my disease and to see if I can get help quitting smoking... but I don't have high hopes for the outcome.  If I'm lucky a pill will help treat some of my symptoms, maybe even help with the depression that I've been in since the cancer scare.

It's supposedly not that big of a deal, having almost cervical cancer.  But to me... it's one of the scariest things I've ever gone through.  All I could think about while waiting for the test results was that I'm not ready to die, I can't leave my son.  No one knows better than me what he's been through and how to deal with it. Not to mention what it would do to him to lose the only parent he's ever known.  My son is the only good thing that came out of the relationship with his drunk abusive father.  If I were to die, custody would automatically revert to that rat bastard because we have joint custody and the idea of him raising my son... it terrifies me.  He's so good at convincing ppl he's not what I claim he is... he would have the courts snowballed in a heartbeat and my son would suffer because there's no documented proof of the abuse.

So to answer the question no one is asking out loud- Yes I have briefly thought of suicide... but those kinds of morbid thoughts cross the mind of many who contemplate the end of their life by any slow- killing disease.  I'm a life giver, not a life taker... even my own life is sacred and not for me to decide when it ends, no matter what I have to try to survive.  I may not know what the hell it is, but I have some reason for still being here.

Truth be told, I'm terrified of death... of growing old and frail or worse... of dying from something that could have been prevented or treated- like thyroid disease or cancer.  Just because they got all of the precancerous cells with the LEEP procedure this time doesn't mean it won't come back.  My immune system is compromised.  That's why I'm determined to quit smoking once and for all.  This is different.  Before there was just the possibility of maybe getting cancer sometime in the future.  Well that "future" is here.  It's not lung cancer and cervical cancer might be a highly curable form of it, but I'm not taking any chances. 

A blessing in disguise, wouldn't you say?  Does it mean my whole life is going to change just because I finally got that wake up call?  No.  There's too much wrong with me right now for an easy fix.  But my curse of never giving up is rearing its head and so I may go down... but I'm not going down without one hell of a fight.  So what if my ship is sinking?  Time to find a life boat... and that's really why I have the appt tomorrow.  I can't go on the way I have been.  It's self destructive... and I refuse to make my son suffer for what is wrong with me.  He didn't ask to be disabled or limited, and he didn't ask for a mother who is sick.  But this is the life we have so we make the best of it.

And God help the person that tries to take him away from me.
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miyushira
22 January 2012 @ 02:43 am
Nicotine my nemesis...  
Well, the internet problem was solved... I don't have to give it up.  Which is good because I'm gonna need it to help me quit smoking.

I don't have a choice in the matter, due to finances being what they are at this point.  I spend about $70.00 a month on cigarettes... a pack and a half a day habit. (I actually smoke mini cigars Double Diamond brand, 20 in a pack, 17 bucks a carton)  I've been a smoker since I was 13 years old.  I have been using cigarettes as a way to control my mood swings, curb my eating habits, keep me awake during the day as I suffer from fatigue due to insomnia and poor sleep quality.

It's not just because I can't afford it anymore.  The boy has been asking me for the last year why I don't quit smoking and points out how unhealthy it is for all of us.  And since the cancer scare back in May I've been battling depression and anxiety which made me smoke more... but I hate it.  I hate the smell, the way it dries out my mouth along with all the caffeine and I hate that I honestly believe I NEED it to stay sane.  This addiction is controlling me and I hate to be controlled.

I never got addicted to drugs (though I tried with weed, speed, meth).  I never got addicted to alcohol.  I'm not addicted to food like I used to be since I have no appetite anymore and when I do eat my stomach hurts more often than not.  No, I'm addicted to nicotine.  Which is more addictive than heroin, or so I was told by one of my previous doctors.

I know all my triggers.  I know how to battle through the cravings.  I've researched the hell out of quitting... I've tried quitting more times than I can remember.  I've tried patches, gum, cold turkey and using one medication.  The medication worked great, except for the fact that I wasn't ready to let go of the mental/emotional connection to smoking.

The withdrawals are a bitch... an even bigger one than me and those who know me well know just how big that really is.  If I'm out walking I can go without smoking no problem.  But I have trouble walking just a few blocks to the store. 

I injured my back in 1997 working at the local meat packing plant.  I was wearing a back support belt and reached to pick up some cardboard for folding into boxes, felt and heard a pop! and pain shot down my left leg.  Excruciating pain.  I quit that job and tried to recover.  At the time I didn't have all this excess weight and hadn't had a c-section to help weaken my stomach thereby causing stress for my back.  Eleven years ago I had my son by c-section and recovered fairly well from that, though the last two months of pregnancy it was very difficult to walk only a couple of blocks without my back screaming in agony.  The c-section incision was up and down my abdomen rather than the bikini cut along the lower abdomen from side to side.  This has greatly effected my ability to lose weight in the stomach area and tone the muscles... which in turn stresses my back.

A year after the back injury, I was playing outside in the yard with a friend's Labrador.  I was in the ditch retrieving the Frisbee we were playing with and the dog was also going for it.  We got into a tug of war and I lost my balance because I stepped in a shallow hole.  My foot stayed in the hole, my body fell forward and my knee was wrenched painfully.  The injury is called hyper extension of the knee.  I'm not sure if I tore ligaments or not, because I didn't have insurance at the time so I got no medical treatment for the injury.  I wrapped it, iced it and took OTC pain meds for two weeks before it began to not hurt to put weight on it.  I think I now have arthritis in both knees... the injured one because of the untreated injury, the other because when my knee hurts I put more weight and stress on the good knee.

About 9 years ago I began having horrible spasms in my back and my legs would give out on me.  When that happened I went to a chiropractor who took x-rays and said that I have a curvature of my lower spine, in the hip area, that curves toward my left hip.  I saw him for adjustments twice a week for about 2 months and was doing great after that... until I got into a relationship with one of my exes.  He was emotionally controlling but it got to the point of violence on the night we broke up.  He punched me in the head twice then tossed me around the room by my hair like a rag doll, slamming me into the door and the wall before throwing me to the floor and began kicking me in the back.  He knew I had back problems.  Needless to say- that was definitely the end of that relationship for me.  It took me three weeks to recover from the injuries.  I moved myself and my son back to Iowa after that and made an appt with a doctor because I was still having spasms now and then in my back.

The regular doctors didn't take x-rays, said that chiropractors using x-rays as a diagnosis tool was in essence stupid and that I probably just had an injury to the muscles of my back.  They ran no tests.  I greatly enjoyed the muscle relaxers and pain pills they put me on for a time, and physical therapy was interesting.  Interesting in the sense that their electrodes pulsing through my back didn't really work, the exercises were painful, the massage of the left hip left bruises, like black bruises...  the hot and cold therapy packs were nice though.  And there was one exercise that really did it for me.  I put my feet under the stabilizing bars and standing up, bent at the hips over the padded bar.  Guess what happened... my lower back popped and I heard it and felt it.  The pain radiated down my leg and lasted for a good minute or so before it went away.  After that physical therapy was easy and didn't hurt at all.

A year or so after that my back was doing well still... until I began gaining weight for no reason I could think of.  I had a host of other symptoms as well but figured the fatigue was from stress and not being able to sleep well.  But in the next year I packed on 50 pounds and began having other problems like the choked feeling in my throat, insane mood swings, blurred vision etc.  I went to the doctor for these problems several times before he finally (to get me to shut up) ran a blood test.  It showed elevated but not out of the normal range TSH levels.  That was the beginning of my battle with thyroid disease.  The more the disease effects me, the more I smoke.

Smoking has become self- medicating for mood swings, fatigue, depression, stress and has replaced eating... since my stomach hates most food now.  And now, since the cancer scare back in May I've been questioning a lot of things (obsessively thinking about everything pertaining to my health).  I am still untreated 5 years after diagnosis of a goiter.  Thyroid disease can wreck havoc on your immune system.  Did my not being treated for thyroid disease help me get "almost" cervical cancer?  And if that's possible... can it also be helping me get lung cancer from such a long deadly habit of smoking?  Sometimes goiters are cancerous... and it can spread... but where to?  They did an iodine scan back when I was first diagnosed, and I've had thyroid ultrasounds infrequently since then... but the last one was in April, just before the cervical cancer scare.  There was an anomaly, or so the technician said... but then the story was changed.  She saw something on the ultrasound that made her have the supervisor, the radiologist or something take a good hard look at it.  But then I was told not to worry it was a shadow or something. 

Maybe its just paranoia... but I'm beginning to think my drs are trying to kill me off by not treating my disease. They with their "wait and see" approach for the last 5 years...  wait and see how long it takes me to become completely non functioning.  All because my TSH levels always show within the "normal" range... despite all my symptoms that say my life sucks.  It's not adversely affecting your life so we will hold off on treatment...  uh huh. 

Untreated hypothyroid/goiter will lead to myxedema and that is not pretty.  I've already got symptoms of it.  Here's my post from facebook last night for those that missed it-
Gebus O.o I think my drs are trying to kill me off by not treating me. It's been five YEARS of "wait and see" Gonna wait and see me right into an early grave.

One of the main risks of untreated thyroid disease- myxedema. Its BAD. "With this condition, you may have fluid and swelling in your legs, ankles, lungs, or around your heart. Your body temperature decreases, your heart may beat very slowly, and you may have problems thinking clearly. You may even go into a coma or die if you do not get treatment right away." (I have the fluid and swelling of legs and ankles, heart beat is slower unless I walk up stairs then it is torture to breathe, heart pounds and knee and back snap crackle pop... and we all know I have foggy brain syndrome)

And even scarier- I've already had one cancer scare thanks... this just is NOT cool-
"A thyroid goiter may be a sign of thyroid cancer, which can get worse and spread."
· · Share · Yesterday at 12:34am
    • Miyu Shira Oh and I also have the lovely Raynaud's phenomenon- extreme sensitivity to cold in hands and feet. That's a big indicator that things are way wonkier than they were. A lot of my symptoms line up with Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism.

So, at my appt on Tuesday I will be demanding something be done about my disease other than just waiting and seeing.  And I will be asking for Zyban pills to help me with the nicotine withdrawals.  Its an anti-depressant, certainly won't hurt me to be on one of those, not with the depression I've fallen into since the cancer scare.

Anyway, that's all for now, just wanted to warn everyone its going to get pretty crazy for me in the near future... yes crazier than normal.  But hang in there.  We should be able to survive.
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miyushira
20 January 2012 @ 12:17 pm
I hate my life...  
Thank you government for helping me with one hand and screwing me over with the other.

Big back child support payment received = 2 months later a very small SSI payment received.  Which means I now have to figure out a way to pay rent in March.  Bye bye internet, bye bye everything that keeps me sane.

I made an appt for Tuesday with my ARNP to discuss my thyroid disease and lack of treatment so far, as well as perhaps getting something to help with the depression I've had to battle since the cervical cancer scare back in May of 2011... and maybe something to help with reducing my rage and cravings from quitting smoking cold turkey due to the fact that I can't afford to buy my sanity anymore.

Welcome to the hell that is my life.  When this is all over I may be able to laugh, but I doubt it.  Things that most ppl take for granted, I have to do without just to keep a roof over our heads.  Gone are the days of washing clothes at the laundromat... hello kitchen sink and hanging to dry.  I've been doing that more and more to save money each month but now its going to be an all the time thing.

Food... yeah some of that is taken care of.  But that too will be drastically changed due to the big child support payment.  Never mind that I had to spend that money on a new tower for the boy's computer cuz the other one died, a new hoodie for me (the first in 6 years becuz I hate wearing winter coats and my other hoodie is falling apart faster than I can repair it).  Gone are the days of the good expensive cat litter... time for the dollar store scoopable stuff- $6.00 a jug and it will equal one month of changings of the litter in the box.

Gone will be the PS3 that I finally was able to afford.  Sigh.  I'm not allowed to have anything to keep my sanity.  Bad enough the net and smokes are going but now I won't be able to play my games which I use as a stress reliever.  oh fucking well, too bad so sad, cry me a fucking river, build a bridge and get over it, right?
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miyushira
25 December 2011 @ 12:24 am
It's Christmas Eve... and I'm blogging  
It's been a couple of weeks since I posted.  Thank the muses for that... oh and Supernatural.

So......................

I'm not really feeling the holiday spirit but I have nothing against those who do.  Enjoy your holidays and don't try to force them upon me, please.

Lately I've been considering some major changes to my normal life... and by normal you all know I mean not normal for Jane or John but normal for Miyu which is anything but normal in anyone else's glossary of terminology.

Change does not come easy for me.  I adapt yes, but what ppl don't see is the inner battle I go through while adapting to the changes that have been thrust upon me.  I'm sick of changing because I HAVE to. 

I fill my life with music... with writing... and yeah, its a temporary fix, a band-aid on the gushing, gaping wound that is my soul.  I'm a dreamer not a do-er.  Sure I give chasing those dreams a shot but the majority I inevitably fail to complete.  I'm not afraid to admit I am a failure.  But I'm not a complete failure.  I just haven't found a way to succeed yet.  My problem is this- 

I get an idea
I become excited about implementing this idea or dream or whatever you call it
I throw myself into the task, doing whatever it takes to learn, do or create
The perfectionist in me screams obscenities because I just can't grasp the concept of what it is I'm trying to do
I get bored, burned out or just completely and utterly frustrated
I give up

I did make a music video... but of course the perfectionist in me realizes there were some mistakes in my vocals (easy enough to do when you are singing in a language you barely know) and so, if my voice is ever up to par I will re-record them.  That's a big IF though.  Just one more unfinished project to complete at some future date that never arrives.

If I could just permanently gag that perfectionistic bitch that lives in my psyche... I might actually finish something I start besides a one pound Hershey bar.  Oh yeah, been there done that... the first couple of times I did it, I hated myself for pigging out.  Then I just stopped buying them.  If its not in the house, I won't eat it, right?  It's not like trying to quit smoking after all.  Chocolate addiction is not akin to heroine addiction, not like nicotine addiction is.  I don't become a royal bitch if I don't get chocolate, I just think about it all the time for a few days till the mind gives in and realizes I'm not going to give it what it wants. 

But nicotine... that's a whole different kind of addiction.  I've tried nearly every method of quitting smoking in the 20 years I've been smoking more than one cigarette now and then with friends.  I actually started 22 years ago as a rebellious 13 year old trying to survive the divorce of her step mother and father.  I was hanging out with friends in their early 20's, drinking and smoking at the age of 15.  Is it any wonder that a year later I got pregnant?  With a father who was too busy with his own fucked up life to worry much about his children's problems... I got away with a lot of stupid shit... and I was looking for love and approval in the wrong place.  That's one thing I still struggle with to this day.

I used to be a "good girl" who went to church, had nice friends who didn't do bad things... I think I was kind of normal.  Except that I really wasn't.  I tried to believe in God and Jesus and the whole Christian/Baptist/Quaker thing.  But at the same time I felt like an impostor... like I was pretending to be someone I wasn't.  I questioned how its possible for one being to have created everything and everyone.  No one has that much power, seriously.  That's the way I see it.  I was baptized as a Wiccan when I was 16 years old... my own choice.  I don't follow the religion to the letter, I don't participate in rituals or belong to (or lead) a coven.  I generally avoid humans if I can.

And let's face it... most of the so called Wiccans or Pagans around here are pretending so hard it will make your head spin.  Tell you one thing to your face, spread lies and talk shit behind your back the second its turned. That's not how it is if you are following the religion folks.  Seriously... this town is full of ppl who are like Trekkie fans or Harry Potter fans... or Twilight fans... oh and let's not forget the Ghost Adventures wanna bes... they play dress up, they honestly believe they have super powers and what not, or that their little amateur "investigations" actually prove the existence of ghosts.  And some of the idiots are messing around with things they really shouldn't be... because that's not what Wicca is.  Two of my favorite places in the area are tainted by the stupidity of the pretenders.

I'm sorry, I said I wasn't going there but I guess inevitably I always do.  Gee, would this be something I should change about myself?  The fact that most ppl sicken me...  lies, half truths, jealousy, envy, a need to revenge some slight that should have been forgotten or forgiven a long time ago that I'm pretty sure is nothing compared to what you have done or said about me to others...

Yes I've done things I'm not proud of in my life.  Who hasn't?  But honestly- take a look outside your "the world revolves around me" box and realize, karma is giving me enough, you don't need to help her.  Honestly, with some of the friends I have/had... who needs enemies?  Yes, part of it is my fault for letting some of these ppl still be a part of my life, I own that.  You might ask why... the answer is because no matter how much of a bitch I am, they have some need to cling to me... and part of me actually liked being the person everyone went to for advice or what not.  It was nice to be needed for something by someone, you know?

But now taking care of everyone else- whether its advice, or editing, or someone to cry to about how unfair your life is... its so fucking draining.  I have been bled dry, the very joy of living sucked right out of me.  I'm not innocent... I have talked about ppl behind their backs, and I should feel horrible about it because its retaliation for how they have treated me.  What's that golden rule that every religion has some form of???  Ah yes- In Christianity its- Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, or something like that.  And ye harm none, do as thy will... that's the Wiccan version.

Perhaps its very wrong for me to do to others what they have done to me... after all, that's not leading us toward world peace is it?  But the simple fact is, I can't trust most ppl.  When I've trusted ppl and treated them the way I wished they would treat me in the past they turn around and fuck me over in some way because I didn't live up to their expectations or some shit like that. 

Those of you who honestly think you know me... you really have no idea.  You only see what I decide to let you see.  If that's being deceitful so be it.  I have to protect what's left of my damaged soul from the lot of you before you drain that out of me too.  Like my favorite anime ookami- I will turn tail and run if it means surviving another day... its all about self preservation baby.

Let's go back to when I mentioned pretenders, shall we? 

My beef is with the ppl that take a beautiful place and turn it into the devil's playground.  One of my favorite places has been desecrated in this way repeatedly and it sickens me.  Ppl used to go there to have drunken parties... do rituals... hell, I know of one person (not personally) who has committed suicide there... I'm sure there have been others.  But its also one place where I can find a measure of peace for the turmoil that is my life.  I never feel threatened by the place, or that I'm being watched, or that I'm in danger.  To me, Three Bridges is a sanctuary.  If I had a car I would go there at least once a week, just to soak up the nature, the peace that I so desperately need.  To clean up the trash that others disrespectfully leave behind.

And yet others that have been out there with me have said the place freaks them out.  My theory on that is- the place knows they are pretenders... wanna bes and doesn't like them.  Just a theory, don't get bent out of shape.  There are two places that I can find some peace, as I said, Three Bridges is one.  The second is Riverside Cemetery.  As far back as age 13 I can remember going to the cemetery, riding my bike across town just to go sit on the benches outside one masoleum and write, or to walk around Lake Windemere.  That place freaks out certain ppl as well.

I have seen what is called The Witch's Chair once.  I've never been able to find it again.  Rumor has it that if you're brave enough to sit in it, you will die within one year... or something like that.  Whether or not its true, I'm not brave enough to tempt fate, I just happen to like the craftsmanship that went into it.  That place too has been desecrated... by Satanists.  My brother was one of them, along with his "friends".  The only part of the cemetery that bothers me is the very north side... where some of the oldest headstones are.  There is a sharp drop off that if you go through the trees and down the hill I think you eventually get to the river.  It's been said that back there is where that group of Satanists did their black masses etc. 

Is it any wonder my brother failed at committing suicide and instead killed a friend of his?  My only full blooded sibling messing around with the dark and dangerous plus drugs and alcohol and look at what it got him- life in prison without parole.  I'm not by nature a horrible person, believe me... but I honestly wish he had killed himself rather than someone else.  Grief is a hell of a lot easier FOR ME to deal with than what I've had to experience being the sister of a murderer.  And yes, I feel guilty as hell for thinking that way, but I won't lie about it.  I'm selfish like that... its all about what its done to my life, how its affected me because he sure as shit wasn't thinking about what it would do to his family who had to live with what he did... with the anger and hatred directed at me... with the assumptions that I am a horrible person just because he did this horrible thing.  He didn't have to suffer any of the chaos he left behind, he was safe from it behind bars.  He has found God now I suppose... at least that's what I've heard.

I used to adore my older brother... I looked up to him.  I was in awe of his natural talent of playing guitar by ear... of his artistic ability.  But as much as I would like to claim otherwise, that boy grew into someone I can't accept as my blood.  It's been over 12 years and still I have so much anger inside me for what he did.  I was disowned for giving life and refusing to shove the responsibility off onto someone else... he is still the favorite son after taking life.  Yes, my father... loyal to his murdering, Satan worshipping, drug addicted and possibly mentally insane son, going to his trial... that's more support than I've had from him.  You're damn right I'm fucking angry.

So... the whole point of this blog was to inform ppl that changes are coming.  You probably won't enjoy them but its something I need to do.  World peace is an unattainable goal... but I can hopefully bring peace to my small corner of the world, even if its only inside me.  I'm going to start taking care of me because no one else will.  And if that means getting my mental status examined and going through therapy... so be it.  I'm going to be an open book instead of hiding things from the therapist like I did the one time I had a court ordered psych evaluation.

From now on its truth only.  That goes for me (which I have been doing a lot of lately), and for those of you who call yourselves my best friends.  Here is a list of don'ts that should be followed-

Don't lie to or about me
Don't talk behind my back 
Don't use me
Don't cling to me~ I can't save myself... what makes you think I can save you?
Don't mistakenly think I am fooled just because I don't call you on it~ maybe I'm giving you enough rope to hang yourself with.
Don't try to be like me, seriously~  I'm a fucked up mess, when are you going to realize that??
Don't blame me for the shit that happens to you, I'm not your scapegoat
Don't complain to me about how your parents or ppl you live with treat you... I've tried to help you numerous times and each time you just do what you're going to do regardless.

I know imitation is supposed to be the highest form of flattery, but honestly, it sickens me.  A few examples~ Don't claim to be Wiccan just to get my approval, I can easily tell you're faking it.  Don't take the things I've shared with you and turn around and make them things that have happened to you... I'm not stupid enough to believe for a second that you have the same exact thing happen to you but only after I've already shared this amazing thing with you. 

2012 is going to be a year of changes... I've already started.  If it pisses you off, well that's on you.  I'm sick and tired of being blamed, used etc.  I've been screaming/bitching/blogging about it for as long as I've known some of you.  This is my time for change because I don't like who I have become.  If you don't want to change the way you are about me, then please, do us both a favor and get the fuck out of my life.  If I lose my internet connection because of this blog, so be it.  Perhaps time away from everyone and everything is what I need.
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miyushira
09 December 2011 @ 11:37 pm
I have made a decision...  
First off let me start by saying I had my eye appointment today.  For those of you who already LIKE MY STATUS *gigglesnort* this is not news.  But on the off chance someone reads this blog that hasn't seen my facebook posts already-

The good news-

My left eye far distance vision actually improved some (this is good, its my bad eye)
The frames that I picked out two years ago for my reading glasses are still available (cool black tribal design)
Still no signs of glaucoma

The bad news-

My close distance vision (reading vision) in both eyes is much worse. 

As in twice as bad as it was.  Even giving up drawing and crochet has not kept my close distance vision from deteriorating.  So I definitely will be a bifocal wearing 30 something mom.  Oh well.  I'm tired of not seeing straight or clearly.  And I miss drawing and crocheting.  Hell, even filing my nails has been bothersome lately, and we all know how Miyu loves to give herself manicures.

Now, on to the decision-

I have decided that I will "enjoy" the holidays (as I've said I don't truly like this time of year and I have my reasons) and after the New Year I will be making an appointment with my LNP (licensed nurse practitioner) and telling her in no uncertain terms that something will be done with my thyroid disease.  I was diagnosed reluctantly by my previous GP (general practitioner) with a slow growing goiter in December of 2007... that's 4 years of knowing for sure what was wrong with me... for at least a year and a half before that I couldn't get anyone to believe me enough to run tests.

I think the wait and see approach has not worked to my advantage.  Sure, blood tests show that my TSH levels are still within the normal range.  But that's one day every year or every 6 months that they are checked.  They don't stay the same all the time, I know because its my body.  Of the 15 major symptoms of hypothyroidism guess how many I have... go on guess!

No guesses?  Okay I will tell you. 13... as in THIRTEEN of FIFTEEN symptoms.  Hey Dr. Swinton... wanna tell me now that its all in my head?  That I need to be examined by a psychiatrist and that I need to be medicated for mental illness while you do nothing about what is causing all my symptoms?  Some of the symptoms of hypo coincide with symptoms listed on the hyperthyroidism side... of which I have 7. 

"Your thyroid is an endocrine gland, and the hormones that it produces, thyroxine and triiodothyronine, often referred to collectively as thyroid hormone, help control the pace of all of your physiological body functions.  Thyroid problems can wreak havoc on most of your major internal systems, upsetting your digestive system, interfering with your cardiovascular system, and throwing off your metabolism."

Read that again if you are having trouble understanding... very serious fucking information.  Do you really want to go messing around and ignoring the signs that the gland that runs your entire body is failing?

If that's not enough to scare you how about the definitions of each... let's start with hyperthyroidism-

"When the thyroid produces too much thyroid hormone, it is overactive. The condition is called hyperthyroidism. With hyperthyroidism, all of your major body systems are in overdrive, which can result in a host of unpleasant symptoms, from anxiety to diarrhea. Untreated, an overactive thyroid can eventually lead to congestive heart failure and be fatal."  < see that last sentence??

Now, on to hypothyroidism-

"When the thyroid produces too little thyroid hormone, it is underactive. The condition is called hypothyroidism. In this scenario, all of your major body systems function too slowly, resulting in symptoms ranging from weight gain to depression. Underactive thyroid, when left untreated in extreme cases, can eventually lead to coma and even death." < Well would you look at that last sentence...

So the choice really comes down to these few options-

~ The doctors keep ignoring the severity of the disease as it pertains to me and I fall into a coma and possibly die...
~ They perform a thyroidectomy thereby removing my entire thyroid and putting me on synthetic T3 and T4 for the rest of my life...
~ Or, they start now with trying to help my underactive thyroid by supplementing with T3 and T4 so that my goiter does not turn me into the next mutant...

I do not recommend searching the internet for pictures of what out of control goiters do to a person's neck... its not pretty.  While the surgical pictures for the thyroidectomy are gruesome, I would really like to have one asap.  I don't care if I have a visible scar... it will be much smaller than they used to be.

I leave you with a final thought from the article I was reading on one of my favorite medical sites-

"Controlling a thyroid disorder as soon as possible will help minimize the stress it places upon your body."  I guess that's something my GP and LNP don't realize... and they are the ones with the degrees.  I think its too little too late for me, it's been at least 5 years... now we have to do damage control when it would have been easier to address the real problem instead of waiting and seeing.
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