I should be fixing my manicure... *this is a long entry*

It is chipped, the gel nails I put on are ready to come off... and it looks like complete and utter crap.

That being said, I am not doing my manicure because I sit here thinking things I probably shouldn't be worrying about.  In my 33 years (plus 3 yrs experience) of this lifetime I have found what I thought was love, I have perhaps even been loved.  But it never lasts.  I've seen friends go through bad marriages and eventually break up.  I've survived my father and his numerous marriages (he's been on #4 for a long time now, so maybe its sticking).  And I have had some nightmare relationships myself.

I recently asked a male friend for advice about what I could do to become more appealing to the opposite sex.  Like what is it about me that makes me not worthy, you know?  What can I say, I'm always curious about how others think of me, whether I let it bother me or not.  I told him to be completely honest, that I was asking so I was ready for whatever he could tell me.  Turns out it wasn't quite as horrible of an answer as I thought.  I am my own worst critic *big grin*

Basically three things-

1- The way I let my son treat me.  The way he talks to me, the disrespect.
2- The way I "present" myself to the world isn't "girly".  It's alright to be one of the guys now and then, but not if you want anything more than friendship.
3- The fact that guys like to do the protecting, rather than be protected.  *this one made me laugh out loud literally*

Now before any readers go off on a tangent about these answers I will tell you, he has me pegged, to a T.  I can explain and hypothesize about each of these answers to try and explain why I agree with him... if you really want me to.  Even if you don't want me to I'm gonna...  Okay, here I go...

1- Part of this is due to the fact that I swore I would never be like my father.  It was his way or the highway.  Don't get me wrong, he had his good moments as a father, and he was funny, but there was no love, no displays of affection and certainly no giving that emotion words that the other person could know were true.

Another part of this is because I hate being mean to the very person who depends on me.  The boy is hyper sensitive to my moods, probably because we are so close.  And he knows just how to push my buttons.  Living in Iowa, you can't really look at your kid wrong let alone give him a smack with your hand, the belt or anything else without DHS being called on you for abuse.  Time outs never worked, and grounding only works occasionally.  I am not an abusive person, I've been abused and I would never consider inflicting that kind of emotional, mental and physical pain on anyone, let alone my own flesh and blood.  So the thought of spanking my child, it bothers me greatly.  I know a spanking isn't considered abuse when its just a swat or two at the most.  But I just can't bring myself to do that.  So you implement a plan of action that involves taking away that which the child loves the most... internet, computer and video games.

Let me tell ya, it's hell living with that decision.  Children know just how to keep pushing the buttons when you have done your decent parental duty and grounded them.  And threats/ actions to further that grounding don't work either.

The main problem I've had in raising my son is that he's only had me as a role model.  Mom's are great for some things, but not everything.  I don't want a man to fix everything in my life.  I've become independent to almost a horrible degree.  *it certainly makes me incredibly NOT girly but more on that in numbers 2 and 3*   Honestly though, I am grateful for my bestie's hubby... he's being a role model for the boy and helping me teach him what respect for your elders is.  It's not his job to do that.  However, I can't ask it of my son's father, he has a lot to learn in that department himself from what I remember.  *If he's reading this, don't worry dude, I also still have some learning to do so don't pitch a fit*

2- I haven't presented myself as "girly" to the world for a couple of reasons. 

A- I gained a lot of weight and had trouble finding clothes that fit, let alone looked good on me and were pretty too.  So I decided to wear what was comfortable- mainly yoga pants, jamma pants, t shirts, cami tops and hoodies.  I remember the days when I could pull on a pair of jeans and actually look decent in them and have them fit well.  I remember the cute shirts I used to have that made me feel sexi just putting them on.  I remember wearing colors instead of mostly black and grey, I remember doing my hair and makeup because it was fun... And yes, I remember wearing skirts now and again with my sexi boots.  I really felt like a woman back then and wasn't afraid to show it.

B- I have let myself go, besides the weight issue for another reason.  Being a survivor of abuse not once, not twice, but three times does a number on your self esteem.  For a long time I didn't want any guys looking at me and thinking anything that might hurt me.  Love was out of the question for me because how could I trust again, the bleeding heart in my chest that steered me so horribly wrong THREE times?  I've been physically abused, still have the dents in my skull to prove it (why do men aim for the head you ask?  Because its a quick way of disabling a woman strong enough to retaliate on their asses, which will be discussed more in # 3) 

But readers, I must tell you, as horrible as physical and/or sexual abuse is... mental/emotional abuse is much, much worse.  You don't even realize it's happening until its too late.  You're beaten down insidiously until you don't even know who you are anymore.  When I was physically/ sexually abused I knew right away that it wasn't right and got out.  But I hadn't realized I was also being manipulated mentally and emotionally until I got distance from those abusers.  But I stayed for a year and a half with the one who ONLY manipulated my mind and heart.   It took me years to recover... in fact I realized I was so desperate to be loved that I let myself get into those situations.  I'm not totally to blame, but I'm not blameless either.   I have learned to live with that.  I've tried shutting off that part of me, the part that wants and needs love.  And yet, I would not be human if I never loved again.  I would not be me.  Because the truth is, no matter how many times I fall in love only to be hurt, I can't stop myself from hoping next time it won't be in vain.

I don't want a do-over on this life.  I've learned a lot of valuable lessons and have a strong self- awareness.  I know I've said it before but it bears repeating.  I believe in soulmates.  And I also believe that mine has departed this earth for this lifetime.  That doesn't mean I can't find love again, it just means its not with the one who was truly meant for me.  Which leads me into...

3- Because of what I've survived in this life I have become a strong woman.  I am capable of defending myself both physically and verbally because there have been plenty of times I needed to.  Does that mean I don't want help?  No.  I don't ask for help because rarely was it given in the past, therefore I learned to stop asking.  Yes folks, I have major trust issues, and the next man that wants to form a relationship with me should know that I will give him the benefit of the doubt but that he still must prove he can be trusted.  There aren't many who are willing to do that.

I'm not here to play games.  I've had enough of that crap to last me several lifetimes.  You wonder why I don't just jump at the chance to be with you sexually?  You wonder why I have issues with being fuck buddies?  You wonder why I say that sex for the sake of sex is a waste of time?  If you've read this far you have a better understanding of why I am the way I am.  Yes I can defend myself, yes I can stand up for you too... not all bad ass bitches are against having a man defend them.  I know I'm not.  But we are bad ass bitches because we've had no other choice.  It was either take care of it myself or die... and I'm not a quitter like that.

If you only plan on using me, abusing me, lying to me and/ or cheating on me, then don't bother trying to get in my pants or anywhere else.  I don't want or need that.  And it sets a horrible example to my son on how women should be treated.

But if you want a woman who is going to stand beside you all the way (not follow or lead), help you and also depend on you, love you with everything she is and prove it to you everyday and expect to be appreciated and loved in return... then hey, that's me.  I'm not out to smother you or change you.  A few faults (as long as they aren't the ones listed in the paragraph above) are part of life because gods knows I have mine.  That's a real relationship, that's real love.  And that, my friends is what I want.

~ Darth Chibi ~

It doesn't feel like December...

That's what I LOVE about Texas.  It's a little gloomy today but humid and 69 degrees :)

Being born and raised Iowan, you would think I would be missing the snow about now.  NOPE.   I hated the ice and snow storms, the freezing sub zero winds that tried to deep freeze you instantaneously when you walk outside...

Now I just have to get to Galveston Is. to see the ocean at least once in my life and I will be content.

So, let's see, since I last blogged the boy, the dog and I have moved out of the place Stacie and I were living with the kids, and into Amanda and Brandon's place with them.  Miyavi has become an outside dog, the boy has his own puppy named Raven and I have use of a huge backyard for garden, orchard, gazebo and our fire circle.

My blood pressure has gone down too.  Not once have I had an episode of it skyrocketing to the point that I'm dizzy, breathless and feel my head pounding with each heartbeat.  Yay for little to no stress!!

Eventually the back porch is going to be re-floored, walls put up, electricity put in and I will have a bedroom for myself.  Right by the magnolia tree... mmm hmm.  Can't wait till that blooms, will have my windows wide open then.  And I will have a door and stairs to the outside, that way I can take either Raven or Miyavi out when they need it.

Sorry this is so short.  I need a coffee/ smoke break.  So much else going on... the weight loss challenge, the podcast/vlog idea...  I will go more into that next time, maybe.  Have a good day.

I officially have a man cold...

It's been a week now, I think... hard to remember just when I got sick for sure without going back through my posts on Facebook to find it.

I don't dare lie down, not even propped up to sleep.  Twice now I've tried tonight and I start hacking so hard its a miracle I don't puke up a lung in the process.  For all of you who think I should quit smoking and that it would be easier sick- shove off please and thank you.  My freaking inhaler wasn't even stopping the cough.  But orange juice and a cigarette did.  And since its 4:32 am, there is no point in me lying down for two hours.  I'm the one who makes the kids breakfast and makes sure they get to the bus stop on time.

All I've wanted to do is lie down and take meds to get better.  But there is no rest for someone like me- I have the kids, the dog and the house to take care of.  So yeah, I'm bitchy as hell and it is taking forever for me to get better.  This episode of illness started because I was scrubbing the filthy floors.  I'm the one who does all the house work around here, which is fine, except for doing dishes WHEN I'M FREAKING CONTAGIOUS.  And fixing dinner, breakfast whatever ALSO WHILE CONTAGIOUS.

In case you haven't noticed, not only do I hate to be sick but I also become whiny about it.  And of course one person who reads this, if she does, is going to say either that I should ask for help or that I should stop complaining cuz she's exhausted and sore all the time so she can't do the housework, not even for a few days so I can rest and recover.

I'm freakin exhausted and as I'm sitting here trying to type a short entry, my eyes keep closing on their own... but if I lie back on my pillows, in less than 5 mins I will be sitting up hacking all over the place to the point of almost throwing up and making my head feel like one more cough and it will explode.

Fook.  Did it again, stupid eyes stay open.  Okay, I'm going to go and post this.  One of these days when I'm not sick, I will write a real journal entry about all that has happened since moving to Texas.

PS~ the dog is a couch hog.  Doesn't leave much room for me.

The tide is high but I'm holding on...

Forgive me father for I have sinned... it has been nearly two months since my last confession... uhm... blog post.

But I have a very good reason!  Several in fact.  But the most important one is that the boy and I are moving in June.  We are not going to Tama like I told Lisa... I wasn't going to tell her at all until after we moved... but now, I don't care if she finds out.  She has her bookcase, her gazelle and her various fucked up male "friends" to keep her busy.  She and I drifted apart years ago, I just chose to keep her close... you know what they say about enemies >.>  She was the one who made the mistake of believing I could trust her after everything she has done to hurt me because of her jealousy or envy... whatever reason she has for doing what she does.

We have decided instead of waiting for Stacie to be able to switch departments and relocate in October back up here... to Iowa, that the boy and I are moving to Texas.  We were going to wait until July when Stacie could ride the greyhound up here and rent a u haul... but due to the unfortunate situation with bedbugs eating me and the boy alive I have decided we are just taking what we can in two large rolling duffles and two carry on backpacks.  And I'm really impatient to finally have everything I ever wanted and needed in my life.

Believe me, if I didn't have to I wouldn't get rid of all my stuff.  I just don't want those blood sucking monsters to follow us down there.  I nearly went insane the first time I dealt with them.  The only thing keeping me sane-ish this time is being medicated *HOORAY ZOLOFT!* and knowing I will be out of here in just 16 days.  And I will be cutting ties with a few certain individuals... permanent- like.

If I don't trust you, you're not going to be part of my life.  If you can't accept that Stacie and I are in love FOR REAL and will be getting MARRIED when we can afford it, you're out of my life.  If you won't stop trying to tell me I made a choice to be bi-sexual leaning more toward lesbian instead of being born this way and trying to charm your way into my pants... yup you guessed it- you're out too.

Thank you to my aunts, Nancy and Deb for loving me in spite of my faults and for accepting who I am and the choice I have made to move.  If not for the family I have here that still speaks to me, I would have left this town long ago never to look back.  Don't be sad... I am moving on to a bigger brighter future where I can finally, truly be happy!  And I will keep in touch with both of you.

For the first 35 years of my life I have done what I could to make others happy, unless it went against my morals and values.  Starting with my 36th year (May 29th ppl) I am going to create happiness for me, the woman I love and our two children.  Until Stacie... I have never been good enough, smart enough, dumb enough in a couple of cases, pretty enough, skinny enough etc... she loves me unconditionally and has proved that she's in this for the long haul by standing by me through everything I've dealt with in the last seven years... even when I pushed her out of my life.

I know it hasn't been easy for her... my illness, my wanting to be good enough for some man in a twisted need for my father's approval through a relationship... the making of the Yuri video... baby you can't tell me I didn't frustrate the hell out of you with the director from hell routine... even with as much fun as we had!  Gods that was a blast... and all the late night writing sessions... or in some cases 39 hours of raring to go go go cuz Miyu has a raging case of insomnia... probably brought on by the high octane espresso lattes... ^.^

We've had a few bad moments, but the good things far outweigh the bad.  I'm looking forward to the next 50 or so years of mostly good moments with you and our kids.

I just want... to say.... I lub you... (to the wend)


What can I say, I'm in a good mood today.  Sistah sent me a package all the way from Texas that wasn't supposed to arrive till Wednesday.  Got it today (Monday) wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

The boy was very pleased with his two new books- Diary of a Wimpy Kid Cabin Fever, and the Diary of a Wimpy Kid do it yourself book.  He also ate the gummy jolly ranchers and some of the egg shaped gum.  I told him he's saving the rest for tomorrow.

Sistah knows me so well...  she sent me my very own Darth Bunny and candy light saber!!!  And also this cool nail art stencil thingy that I'm dying to try out, but gonna wait till morning or maybe evening.  And of course- hide pink peeps and three boxes of milk duds... mmmmmm caramel and chocolate!  Oh!  And my favorite bassist in chocolate form mmmhmmm RAWR!

I'm gonna be nice and share the jelly beans on my Darth Bunny and the bag of starburst candies with the boy.  It's gonna be our last big blowout before we drastically change our eating habits.  More fruits and veggies, less fat, sugar and protein.  Just wanted to update a quick blog, to let you all know I'm not doom and gloom all day every day XD

Darth Bunny... FEAR MEH!

Miyu's a nutter...

Well the boy is on the mend, rather mended I would say.  The penicillin worked like a dream.  He does however have high triglycerides and the bad cholesterol, so changes must be made. Dietary and exercise... for both of us.

I had my blood work done as well this last week. Lucky me- still chronically anemic and TSH levels are in the "normal" range.  Phooey.  On a good note- my potassium level is back in the normal range so they don't need to up the dose on that.  I did however get a doubled dose of the Zoloft because it just hasn't been working as well as it should.  The dark recesses of my mind can attest to that.  So I'm on 100 mg a day now of that and add to the Zoloft, HCTZ and potassium- iron supplements every day.

Recently I've been having to use my inhaler a lot... like several times a day which is not normal for me.  It's not allergies because I don't have the other symptoms I normally get with those.  I have an annoying cough, which is how my asthma usually flares up... but now its become worse and the inhaler isn't working. 

I know ppl think I worry too much or that perhaps I'm a hypochondriac... but I wouldn't have to research so much on the internet if doctors would do their jobs.  And there is a "too big to ignore" link between thyroid disease and congestive heart failure.  I'm not imagining things, there is documented proof from such prestigious places as the Mayo Clinic. 

Yes I am worried.  I have every reason to be concerned about  this newest health problem. Those in pink are the ones I experience on a daily basis... excerpt from the Mayo Clinic website- http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/heart-failure/DS00061/DSECTION=symptoms

Chronic heart failure signs and symptoms

  • Shortness of breath (dyspnea) when you exert yourself or when you lie down
  • Fatigue and weakness
  • Swelling (edema) in your legs, ankles and feet
  • Rapid or irregular heartbeat
  • Reduced ability to exercise
  • Persistent cough or wheezing with white or pink blood-tinged phlegm
  • Swelling of your abdomen (ascites)
  • Sudden weight gain from fluid retention
  • Lack of appetite and nausea
  • Difficulty concentrating or decreased alertness
        Damage to the heart muscle (cardiomyopathy). Some of the many causes of heart muscle damage, also called cardiomyopathy, include infections, alcohol abuse, and the toxic effect of drugs such as cocaine or some drugs used for chemotherapy. In addition, whole-body diseases, such as lupus, or thyroid problems can damage heart muscle.

Abnormal heart rhythms (heart arrhythmias). Abnormal heart rhythms may cause your heart to beat too fast. This creates extra work for your heart. Over time, your heart may weaken, leading to heart failure. A slow heartbeat may prevent your heart from getting enough blood out to the body and may also lead to heart failure.

Other diseases. Chronic diseases such as diabetes, severe anemia, hyperthyroidism, hypothyroidism, emphysema and lupus and a buildup of iron (hemochromatosis), protein (amyloidosis) or inflammatory cells (sarcoidosis) also may contribute to heart failure. Causes of acute heart failure include viruses that attack the heart muscle, severe infections, allergic reactions, blood clots in the lungs, the use of certain medications or any illness that affects the whole body.

I'm not saying that doctors are incompetent, but honestly, they don't have the time to devote to just one patient's health problems.  The fact that my TSH levels continue to remain in the normal range is rather frustrating.  But sometimes with a goiter that happens for years on end apparently, before it gets worse.  I realize now that there are many things I've done that contribute to my health problems... but I did not cause my goiter, genetics did.

I do however, have a hand in other factors that could have prevented or at least slowed the onset of what is going on with me now.  I am still smoking though I cut down from a pack and a half a day to less than a pack.  Which won't be going on for much longer because I have run out of money and there is still over a week of the month left... no money = no more smokes.

I know I need to change my eating habits, we have already started doing that. More fruits and veggies, less ramen and processed foods.  And the exercise thing- I never really have the energy for it but I take a walk almost every day... more like a waddle along than actual walking, but at least I'm moving.  Gasping, stopping often to lean against the wall to get rid of the concrete block in my chest and rest my lower back... but at least I'm getting some exercise right?

However, today we had to take two walks- one to have the boy's blood draw done and one later in the afternoon so he could ride his scooter.  After both walks we came home and the boy got on the computer to play his games.  I turned on the tv and fell asleep... after both walks.  Every day I take a nap, like a 2-3 hour nap and am still tired.  I did have that one unfortunate incident with staying up for 51 hours except for the 2-3 hour nap I took one day... that was without caffeine.  I just couldn't get comfortable in bed and wasn't all that tired to begin with. However that kind of insomnia is not the norm anymore... being able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat is.  And the boy remarked on it today after I woke up from the first nap and we took a second walk.  When the child begins to notice I'm not acting like I normally do... shouldn't that mean something?

Yeah, maybe I am reading too much into it.  Maybe I am a worry wart.  But if I don't concern myself with my failing health, who will?
I get the shit end of the deal having state funded insurance.  It's like pulling teeth to get them to pay for some things like labs and tests... and being on that insurance doesn't help my credibility with the doctors...  they think- poor person = poor intelligence.  How wrong they are.

Time for me to go lie down again.  Yawning so hard my eyes are watering.  Oyasumi minna-san!

Just another day... in paradise... (Ah Phil Collins...)

I really have no idea why that title popped into my head, since I rarely listen to the radio and I don't have that song on my iTunes.  Must be acid flashbacks to the 80's... even though I've never dropped acid. 



A N Y W A Y.......

It's been a rough week.  The boy has been sick with strep since Friday.  Took him to the doctor yesterday (Monday) and we discussed the possibility that he also has IBS (irritable bowel syndrome)  He has no tolerance for anything with nitrates (lunch meat, hot dogs etc) and very little tolerance for milk fat... just like mom.  Only my reason for not doing well with nitrates is the salt content- stupid swelling of the lower extremities and worry about if my blood pressure would sky rocket again.

I've been having some trouble with the (bigger than prenatal vitamins) potassium pills that I have to take.  I dissolve them in my mouth with a gulp of water and then have to guzzle half a 32 oz bottle of water to get the grit and taste out of my mouth.  I also have to eat something when I take them, and take an acid reducer.  (Thank you Aunt Nancy for that suggestion!)  So far I am tolerating it much better- stomach wise.

Gebus, I've had about a hundred typos just in this short blog so far and its driving me nuts.  I really got out of practice with not having a working computer for so long.

Anyway- back to the possible food allergy/ IBS-

Until the 22 of March I have to keep a food diary of the boy's foods... and... absolutely NO DAIRY until further notice.  That is going to make school even more of a pain when he returns on Monday.  They should allow him to have a water bottle though, that way he won't get dehydrated.

Funny thing the boy said to me today-  Hey Mom, you don't yell as much as you used to.  Thank you Zoloft for that.  I do feel less angry or easily irritated than I was before I started taking them a month and a half ago.  Now if I could just sleep better and have energy for a super cleaning spree... I've had a rough time just keeping the garbage taken out and dishes done.  Anything more than that is asking too much.  My floors only get vacuumed twice a month... and I'm dreading cleaning the bathroom.  I have always hated cleaning the bathroom, but I have a total mental block to it now.  I don't have gloves or paper towels yet... and I can't (because of my sensitivity to it) use bleach to clean.

And its been really hot in the apartment.  I can't sleep when its hot.  Today it got up to 67 degrees, whoa heat wave.  Just to keep from going stir crazy the boy and I had to get out and revel in the fresh air, even though the sunlight seared my corneas...  Upon returning home, the windows were opened and a fan blowing cooler air into the boy's room.  I need to get a fan in my window so maybe I can sleep- if the back and knee ache will let me from all the walking today.  UGH.  I laid on my bed earlier while the boy played some of his online games and almost couldn't get up.  Stupid past injury is rearing its ugly head again.  Left side of the lower back, sciatic pain down the leg and knee throbbing... fun fun!

We've gone through two bags of Ricola knock off ghetto cough drops.  I bought a big bag of the real Ricola ones today.  Those are the only ones I can stand, and now the boy has an affinity for them as well.  Okay the cherry flavored Luden's are yummy... but I go through them way too fast.

Anyway, that's the update for the moment.  Oh... Stalker Kitteh is happy with his catnip flavored treats.  He plays with them before he eats them.  And I got him some colorful balls with bells in them.  He's misplaced two already LOL

An Update after not having a working computer for an eternity it seems...

I've begun to watch a lot of tv, simply because I was unable to access my computer since like the day after I wrote my last blog... or something like that.  I watch a lot of Animal Planet and TLC... but I like Ghost Whisperer on WE too.  Last night I stayed awake just to watch a movie called 23 with Jim Carrey... great movie, I recommend it to everyone who hasn't seen it.

My appointment last month was rather scary.  They took my blood pressure five times and it was in the first stage of hypertension- 150/90.  So I was prescribed HCTZ to get rid of the fluid in my legs and feet, sertraline (aka Zoloft) as an anti- depressant... and signed up with Quitline Iowa to get help with quitting smoking.  Still, the Quitline ppl have not contacted me.

Tuesday I had a CBC and a follow up appointment.  The good news is my blood pressure is down to 108/78... the best its been in a long time.  So I continue taking the HCTZ, because as the weather gets warmer, the swelling will return if I don't take it.  But, it also leeches potassium out of your blood so I now have to take a daily potassium pill that size wise puts prenatal vitamins to shame.  The only way I can get it down is to let it dissolve in a mouthful of water then swallow... nasty tasting stuff.

The other thing that is troubling is the fact that I am a lot more tired than normal... every day of the week that Ryan is in school, I end up taking a nap for a couple of hours.  I think the winter sleepiness finally hit me, instead of being on the go go go all the time like I am in spring and summer.  But that can't last for much longer... spring is coming wheee!

I'm not completely out of the slump yet, but I've only been taking the anti- depressant for a month.  If I'm not seeing a marked improvement by the time I go in next month for my blood checkup then I'm to call the dr and make an appt to talk about raising the dose.

I dropped 9 pounds from one appt to the next, but is all of that just fluid I was carrying around?  Don't know.  Either way, I'm happy that it wasn't the same as the first appointment.  One thing I don't like about the anti-depressant is that my appetite has returned full force... I'm hungry constantly now... grr.  Now I know why Ryan is so insistent on being hungry all the time... stupid pill.  But apparently I need it to function on a daily basis, so I will continue taking it.

Hopefully my computer will keep working... I hate not having access to it.  But just in case I should probably transfer all my music and documents and pix to the external hard drive.  I have to go thru my music anyway because there's a lot I don't listen to that I have on here.

It's officially Miyu freak out time

Always hiding what I really think and feel inside.  Tonight the weight of the dire-ness of my situation drags me to depths I swore I would never hit again.


I can barely even take care of myself anymore.  What right do I have to take care of my son, who deserves so much more than I can give him?  He shouldn't have to be my reason for fighting, for struggling through this hell on earth.  He shouldn't have to be my reason for living.  And yet finding out I was pregnant with him was what kept me from killing myself over 12 years ago.  My little angel, my saving grace... and yet he shouldn't have to be, he's only a child.

I've been alright since then... though there were a few rough patches.  I've handled the disease and made sure ppl didn't worry about me.  I've hidden a lot so deep inside that they would never know what to say or ask to find out the truth.  And that was my mistake.  Everyone thinks I'm okay, sure I'm a little moody, a little crazy... and those OCD habits are hilarious.  I smile, I laugh, I go through the motions because in the past when I've showed weakness it has been used against me... and often by ppl who claim to care for me or love me.  Can you say Miyu has mega trust issues?  yes ma'am.

I've had my daughters stolen from me.  I was disowned by a father I'm not sure ever really gave a rat's ass about me but I idolized him.  My brother, who was a drug addict and alcoholic, (and possibly some insanity thrown in) bought a gun to kill himself and shot his friend 14 times instead and is in prison for the rest of his life.  I was raped and instead of having an abortion I gave birth to the child and gave him up for adoption... those are just the big nasty things, there are so many little things thrown in I don't dare try to list them all.  I have some family and friends I can confide in, but not things of this magnitude.  I'm sure they all would say its no problem, come to me to talk.  But there is a problem...  ME. I don't ask for help, I've been trained by past experiences not to need anyone or to count on anyone.  I don't have the luxury of opening up to ppl and being able to trust I'm not going to come out worse after I do.  It's not them, it's me.  And I have a feeling this blog post is gonna bite me in the ass hardcore.

I'm a fucked up mess and though I try to display otherwise... I'm tired of hiding it.  I'm sick of it.  I'm sick of being sick.  I'm sick of being depressed.  I'm so fucking sick of it all.  None of us are promised a good life when we take our first breath, but seriously, what did I do to deserve the life I've lived?  I've made some really bad choices in life, that's what.  And most of the time it was my heart leading the way... egging me on... making me want to not give up hope, keep trusting.  This capacity for hope and love is a blessing that feels like a curse.

Everyone thinks I'm so strong.  The truth is, I'm not.  I act like I am, but that's so ppl don't worry.  I hate being a burden to anyone.  In my mind it makes me a burden.  I'm going to be 36 freaking years old.  You would think by now I would have my act together- a degree, a good job, a decent home, all the things I dreamed of growing up.  Instead I live in a rat hole apartment falling apart quietly at the seams while trying to raise a physically limited/ emotionally and mentally altered child.  I don't want to label him as disabled, it puts too many limitations on him.  And yet, for all intents and purposes he is.  And some ppl refuse to see that he is.  Maybe part of its my fault... for genetics, for all the emotional stress while pregnant... I don't know.

I do know that I owe that little boy everything.  Okay so he's not so little anymore at almost 12 years old, but he will always be my little boy.  And I'm doing him a great disservice by being the wreck that I am.  I have an appt tomorrow to talk about my disease and to see if I can get help quitting smoking... but I don't have high hopes for the outcome.  If I'm lucky a pill will help treat some of my symptoms, maybe even help with the depression that I've been in since the cancer scare.

It's supposedly not that big of a deal, having almost cervical cancer.  But to me... it's one of the scariest things I've ever gone through.  All I could think about while waiting for the test results was that I'm not ready to die, I can't leave my son.  No one knows better than me what he's been through and how to deal with it. Not to mention what it would do to him to lose the only parent he's ever known.  My son is the only good thing that came out of the relationship with his drunk abusive father.  If I were to die, custody would automatically revert to that rat bastard because we have joint custody and the idea of him raising my son... it terrifies me.  He's so good at convincing ppl he's not what I claim he is... he would have the courts snowballed in a heartbeat and my son would suffer because there's no documented proof of the abuse.

So to answer the question no one is asking out loud- Yes I have briefly thought of suicide... but those kinds of morbid thoughts cross the mind of many who contemplate the end of their life by any slow- killing disease.  I'm a life giver, not a life taker... even my own life is sacred and not for me to decide when it ends, no matter what I have to try to survive.  I may not know what the hell it is, but I have some reason for still being here.

Truth be told, I'm terrified of death... of growing old and frail or worse... of dying from something that could have been prevented or treated- like thyroid disease or cancer.  Just because they got all of the precancerous cells with the LEEP procedure this time doesn't mean it won't come back.  My immune system is compromised.  That's why I'm determined to quit smoking once and for all.  This is different.  Before there was just the possibility of maybe getting cancer sometime in the future.  Well that "future" is here.  It's not lung cancer and cervical cancer might be a highly curable form of it, but I'm not taking any chances. 

A blessing in disguise, wouldn't you say?  Does it mean my whole life is going to change just because I finally got that wake up call?  No.  There's too much wrong with me right now for an easy fix.  But my curse of never giving up is rearing its head and so I may go down... but I'm not going down without one hell of a fight.  So what if my ship is sinking?  Time to find a life boat... and that's really why I have the appt tomorrow.  I can't go on the way I have been.  It's self destructive... and I refuse to make my son suffer for what is wrong with me.  He didn't ask to be disabled or limited, and he didn't ask for a mother who is sick.  But this is the life we have so we make the best of it.

And God help the person that tries to take him away from me.

Nicotine my nemesis...

Well, the internet problem was solved... I don't have to give it up.  Which is good because I'm gonna need it to help me quit smoking.

I don't have a choice in the matter, due to finances being what they are at this point.  I spend about $70.00 a month on cigarettes... a pack and a half a day habit. (I actually smoke mini cigars Double Diamond brand, 20 in a pack, 17 bucks a carton)  I've been a smoker since I was 13 years old.  I have been using cigarettes as a way to control my mood swings, curb my eating habits, keep me awake during the day as I suffer from fatigue due to insomnia and poor sleep quality.

It's not just because I can't afford it anymore.  The boy has been asking me for the last year why I don't quit smoking and points out how unhealthy it is for all of us.  And since the cancer scare back in May I've been battling depression and anxiety which made me smoke more... but I hate it.  I hate the smell, the way it dries out my mouth along with all the caffeine and I hate that I honestly believe I NEED it to stay sane.  This addiction is controlling me and I hate to be controlled.

I never got addicted to drugs (though I tried with weed, speed, meth).  I never got addicted to alcohol.  I'm not addicted to food like I used to be since I have no appetite anymore and when I do eat my stomach hurts more often than not.  No, I'm addicted to nicotine.  Which is more addictive than heroin, or so I was told by one of my previous doctors.

I know all my triggers.  I know how to battle through the cravings.  I've researched the hell out of quitting... I've tried quitting more times than I can remember.  I've tried patches, gum, cold turkey and using one medication.  The medication worked great, except for the fact that I wasn't ready to let go of the mental/emotional connection to smoking.

The withdrawals are a bitch... an even bigger one than me and those who know me well know just how big that really is.  If I'm out walking I can go without smoking no problem.  But I have trouble walking just a few blocks to the store. 

I injured my back in 1997 working at the local meat packing plant.  I was wearing a back support belt and reached to pick up some cardboard for folding into boxes, felt and heard a pop! and pain shot down my left leg.  Excruciating pain.  I quit that job and tried to recover.  At the time I didn't have all this excess weight and hadn't had a c-section to help weaken my stomach thereby causing stress for my back.  Eleven years ago I had my son by c-section and recovered fairly well from that, though the last two months of pregnancy it was very difficult to walk only a couple of blocks without my back screaming in agony.  The c-section incision was up and down my abdomen rather than the bikini cut along the lower abdomen from side to side.  This has greatly effected my ability to lose weight in the stomach area and tone the muscles... which in turn stresses my back.

A year after the back injury, I was playing outside in the yard with a friend's Labrador.  I was in the ditch retrieving the Frisbee we were playing with and the dog was also going for it.  We got into a tug of war and I lost my balance because I stepped in a shallow hole.  My foot stayed in the hole, my body fell forward and my knee was wrenched painfully.  The injury is called hyper extension of the knee.  I'm not sure if I tore ligaments or not, because I didn't have insurance at the time so I got no medical treatment for the injury.  I wrapped it, iced it and took OTC pain meds for two weeks before it began to not hurt to put weight on it.  I think I now have arthritis in both knees... the injured one because of the untreated injury, the other because when my knee hurts I put more weight and stress on the good knee.

About 9 years ago I began having horrible spasms in my back and my legs would give out on me.  When that happened I went to a chiropractor who took x-rays and said that I have a curvature of my lower spine, in the hip area, that curves toward my left hip.  I saw him for adjustments twice a week for about 2 months and was doing great after that... until I got into a relationship with one of my exes.  He was emotionally controlling but it got to the point of violence on the night we broke up.  He punched me in the head twice then tossed me around the room by my hair like a rag doll, slamming me into the door and the wall before throwing me to the floor and began kicking me in the back.  He knew I had back problems.  Needless to say- that was definitely the end of that relationship for me.  It took me three weeks to recover from the injuries.  I moved myself and my son back to Iowa after that and made an appt with a doctor because I was still having spasms now and then in my back.

The regular doctors didn't take x-rays, said that chiropractors using x-rays as a diagnosis tool was in essence stupid and that I probably just had an injury to the muscles of my back.  They ran no tests.  I greatly enjoyed the muscle relaxers and pain pills they put me on for a time, and physical therapy was interesting.  Interesting in the sense that their electrodes pulsing through my back didn't really work, the exercises were painful, the massage of the left hip left bruises, like black bruises...  the hot and cold therapy packs were nice though.  And there was one exercise that really did it for me.  I put my feet under the stabilizing bars and standing up, bent at the hips over the padded bar.  Guess what happened... my lower back popped and I heard it and felt it.  The pain radiated down my leg and lasted for a good minute or so before it went away.  After that physical therapy was easy and didn't hurt at all.

A year or so after that my back was doing well still... until I began gaining weight for no reason I could think of.  I had a host of other symptoms as well but figured the fatigue was from stress and not being able to sleep well.  But in the next year I packed on 50 pounds and began having other problems like the choked feeling in my throat, insane mood swings, blurred vision etc.  I went to the doctor for these problems several times before he finally (to get me to shut up) ran a blood test.  It showed elevated but not out of the normal range TSH levels.  That was the beginning of my battle with thyroid disease.  The more the disease effects me, the more I smoke.

Smoking has become self- medicating for mood swings, fatigue, depression, stress and has replaced eating... since my stomach hates most food now.  And now, since the cancer scare back in May I've been questioning a lot of things (obsessively thinking about everything pertaining to my health).  I am still untreated 5 years after diagnosis of a goiter.  Thyroid disease can wreck havoc on your immune system.  Did my not being treated for thyroid disease help me get "almost" cervical cancer?  And if that's possible... can it also be helping me get lung cancer from such a long deadly habit of smoking?  Sometimes goiters are cancerous... and it can spread... but where to?  They did an iodine scan back when I was first diagnosed, and I've had thyroid ultrasounds infrequently since then... but the last one was in April, just before the cervical cancer scare.  There was an anomaly, or so the technician said... but then the story was changed.  She saw something on the ultrasound that made her have the supervisor, the radiologist or something take a good hard look at it.  But then I was told not to worry it was a shadow or something. 

Maybe its just paranoia... but I'm beginning to think my drs are trying to kill me off by not treating my disease. They with their "wait and see" approach for the last 5 years...  wait and see how long it takes me to become completely non functioning.  All because my TSH levels always show within the "normal" range... despite all my symptoms that say my life sucks.  It's not adversely affecting your life so we will hold off on treatment...  uh huh. 

Untreated hypothyroid/goiter will lead to myxedema and that is not pretty.  I've already got symptoms of it.  Here's my post from facebook last night for those that missed it-

Gebus O.o I think my drs are trying to kill me off by not treating me. It's been five YEARS of "wait and see" Gonna wait and see me right into an early grave.

One of the main risks of untreated thyroid disease- myxedema. Its BAD. "With this condition, you may have fluid and swelling in your legs, ankles, lungs, or around your heart. Your body temperature decreases, your heart may beat very slowly, and you may have problems thinking clearly. You may even go into a coma or die if you do not get treatment right away." (I have the fluid and swelling of legs and ankles, heart beat is slower unless I walk up stairs then it is torture to breathe, heart pounds and knee and back snap crackle pop... and we all know I have foggy brain syndrome)

And even scarier- I've already had one cancer scare thanks... this just is NOT cool-
"A thyroid goiter may be a sign of thyroid cancer, which can get worse and spread."
· · Share · Yesterday at 12:34am
    • Miyu Shira Oh and I also have the lovely Raynaud's phenomenon- extreme sensitivity to cold in hands and feet. That's a big indicator that things are way wonkier than they were. A lot of my symptoms line up with Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism.

So, at my appt on Tuesday I will be demanding something be done about my disease other than just waiting and seeing.  And I will be asking for Zyban pills to help me with the nicotine withdrawals.  Its an anti-depressant, certainly won't hurt me to be on one of those, not with the depression I've fallen into since the cancer scare.

Anyway, that's all for now, just wanted to warn everyone its going to get pretty crazy for me in the near future... yes crazier than normal.  But hang in there.  We should be able to survive.